Husband: Sex is the easy part…the hard part is catching her in the right mood. She tells me she wants to feel desired but my strategy hardly works (even when I do exactly what she says she wants).
Wife: My husband came up to me from behind and nibbled on my neck. Ok so I didn’t melt into his arms. I want him to pursue me, but mostly I experience his attempts as question marks and my default is “not now” or “”no”.
The book of James Chapter 4 and John 3: 36-37 clear up some misconceptions about how to pursue.
Bible Reading: James 4:8, John 3:36
All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out.
DEVOTION: The word “draw” in James chapter 4, means more specifically to attract like a gravitational force. God in his vastness waits for us to be within his gravitational pull and then He draws us even nearer to him As we are drawn in God becomes more intimate with us. Likewise, Jesus waits; He does not woo us into His presence . The passage in John shows Jesus is confident that we will come to Him. We have made the mistake of treating sex as something we do in order to get close rather than as a culmination* of drawing near. Husbands imaging God, can be the attractive force that draws your bride into your orbit, until they are literally asking for more. And while it doesn’t seem that a married man ought to wait for his wife’s invitation, it is fair to say that this is the nature of intimacy as modeled by God.
*Culmination: the highest or climatic point of something especially as attained after a long time.
PRAYER: Lord thank you for waiting for us to draw near to you. Thank you that as we draw nearer we experience more of your intimacy. Remove any dis-attractions that interfere with our ability to draw near to you and to each other.
DEVOTION ACTIVITY: Silent Invitations
TOOL BOX: dress to impress, get rid of distractions that will draw attention from each other.
READING SUGGESTIONS: How to Attract Women (off site from Psychology Today) Increase Your Responsiveness: Increase Arousal (on site tip sheet)
- Husband: Wait for your wife to be attracted into your orbit (grabbing distance). Your job is to be a force of attraction. To start with, as much as possible say nothing (that includes compliments or pick up lines) and paradoxically do not show any eagerness, do not make eye contact, and do not show indication of going after her. It is a mysterious place of trusting she will come to you (neither pursuing nor distancing yourself from her). Once within reach methodically spend time touching, stroking and caressing your wife. Smell her hair. Let her know you are enjoying her closeness (again say nothing if possible). If she draws away, slow down, or try something else, As she draws close increase your passion if you are feeling it. Your goal is to enjoy her. Read her body language too. All non-sexual contact is fair game, follow her lead if you want. You may draw closer to her, lean in, tease, but do not initiate anything sexual. Wait for her to move your hands where she wants, grind against you, kiss you, undress, or pull you in. Enjoy the intimacy and where it leads..
- Wife: You are the inviter. Your job to move into your husband’s “orbit” and initiate contact. Like your husband , as much as possible say nothing, you can smile, initiate touch and allow him to explore touching you. Use your body language to welcome his touch by moving closer, nudging him touching him. Only you can initiate sexual touch, or remove clothes. He may tease you and come close, but you must guide his hands to touch you sexually, you must kiss him, you must undress or direct him to undress you. You must be the one who makes full body contact, or pulls him into position.
- Together: You are both wordless in this activity. Take your time! The beauty of this is spending time near each other. Enjoy one another and keep in mind that the object of this devotion is to draw near and experience intimacy. Sex may or may not be the culminating result.
EXPERIENCES (Take One First Attempt before major re-write)*
Wife: Ugg do not suggest watching YouTube. My husband had nice music on, was on track but then I made the mistake of expecting him wow me into wanting to be closer, lesson learned, I needed to initiate by showing my interest in him, and reaching for him.
Husband: I got distracted. , I had the right idea at first but I stopped “pursing” oops missed the point. I share the blame, old habits are hard to break.
BIBLE TAKE AWAY Originally, the devotion had a “you’re getting warmer…nope colder” basis to it. I ended up feeling like my husband was doing the motions, and he said my body language was pretty much letting him know he was getting a red light and in the cold zone (not what we wanted). Take one was not a failure. It revealed to both of us how we relate to God. My husband trying to enjoy God but really worried about being right, getting distracted and questioning his ability to be loving. For me, I was convicted that much of my relationship with God is based on His wowing me, I actually walked away and said, “I am going to bed”.
(come back for updated experience)